Saturday, March 10, 2012

Adventures with: The Men Who Like Me

I have said time and again that there are only two kinds of men that I date. It is not because I have a particular type or go out of my way to find these guys. In fact, I make a special point not to pursue men. (In case you did not know this - they really hate that. Write this down.) I date guys that vary in race, upbringing, age, social status, etc. and they ALWAYS fall into one of two categories. I'm going to share these with you, in case you have managed to snag one of these yourself.

Diedrich Bader - The Beverly Hillbillies movie

Jethro Bodine

You know this guy, even if you don't know Jethro right off the top of your head. He is the handsome idiot cousin of the Clampetts on The Beverly Hillbillies. The guy is so stupid that he makes your head hurt, but it balances out because he is so damn pretty.

Yes, I have dated this guy (not Diedrich Bader, unfortunately). It is the first of the two types that attracted to me. I'm a relatively smart girl who has been going to college for more than a decade. (Don't judge me, I get distracted.) I have a great education, and I am a big fan of straight talk. The Jethro Bodines of the world adore women who are smart and blunt, and they will fall over themselves to pursue you. And honestly, what is a bigger turn on than a beautiful man chasing after you?

It's all fun and games until the new wears off. You're happily staring at your hot boyfriend, then you decide to discuss something like foreign policy, the last book you read, sandwich-making, and dingbat there looks at you like you're speaking Mandarin. I shit-you-not that I had one of my most beautiful exes give me a blank look when I used the word "mayonnaise". I told him that it was "mayo", and he asked why I didn't just say that to begin with. *sigh* I suppose I should give you the best Jethro Bodine example of all.

I was out with some of my college friends and one of my old high school classmates who was visiting from Brazil (he was an exchange student) one night. I brought along Jethro because he was a lot of fun. Our conversation came to the topic of "reciprocation". Jethro had absolutely no idea what we were talking about. Not only was the double entendre (sexual innuendo) completely lost on him, but he had no idea what we were talking about on a general level. The words were too big. I had to give a vocabulary lesson with nearly every word we used with more than two syllables. I finally got so frustrated that I found some excuse to go home. Of course, Jethro did not get the hint and stayed out with my friends. What happened the rest of that night, I have NEVER lived down. Hell, I don't even know the full story. Nor do I want to know it.

Peter Pan - Painted by me 10/13/2011

Peter Pan

This is the second and most prevalent group of men that I have ever had the unfortunate pleasure of dating. I cannot even pinpoint why they are even attracted to me. Perhaps it's my sense of humor? (It is probably that my figure looks like it is built for fun.) Trust me, you know the guy. Look at the signs:
  • If he doesn't still live at home, he is always over there. (I am NOT talking about a healthy relationship with his family. I mean he is over there because he does not want to secure/maintain his own residence.)
  • He is unable to form lasting, meaningful relationships, friend or otherwise.
  • He is still hung up on that girl and refuses to attempt to move on.
  • He is over the age of thirty-five, never been married, and has no kids.
  • He can't maintain a job for more than a year, regardless of the reason.
  • He feels better lying to you than saying a hard truth.
If you know a guy that suffers from at least two of those symptoms, he has a case of Peter Pan Syndrome. He is the perpetual little boy that will never grow up.

Don't get me wrong, Peter Pan is fun. This man-child is not going to grow up for a reason. He knows how to party, and he does it well. You are going to smile, laugh, and sweetheart, you are going to fall in love with him. I have never dated a Pan without developing some sort of emotional attachment to him. How can you not fall for the guy that makes you smile and is so much fun to be around? You know what? I'll tell you how. Once you identify him, you can rest assured that he is 1) going to want you to be his eternal playmate AND NOTHING ELSE, or 2) going to make you his mother. (Trust me that #2 is worse - little boys always go through a phase where they hate their mothers. It gets ugly.) I have learned that once you identify the Pan, if you have any sort of responsibilities and can't be the eternal playmate - RUN LIKE HELL! (You will thank me one day.)


Now, I'm not saying that all men in these groups are bad. I mean, I keep dating them. I would not know what to do with myself if I found a man that did not fall into one of those classifications. I hope to find one. Until then, I think I'll be sticking with the Jethros for a while. They may be dumb, but they sure are pretty to look at.

What? I have smart friends with whom I can have those meaningful conversations.


  1. Bwahahahahahahahahaha. Ok.ok...uh oh, bwahahahahahahahahaha.

    I'm not laughing at you,hon, just laughing because you are SO on the spot with this. Awesome :-D

  2. Oh you can totally laugh at me, too. I date terrible men. :-D