Saturday, March 10, 2012

Adventures with: The Men Who Like Me

I have said time and again that there are only two kinds of men that I date. It is not because I have a particular type or go out of my way to find these guys. In fact, I make a special point not to pursue men. (In case you did not know this - they really hate that. Write this down.) I date guys that vary in race, upbringing, age, social status, etc. and they ALWAYS fall into one of two categories. I'm going to share these with you, in case you have managed to snag one of these yourself.

Diedrich Bader - The Beverly Hillbillies movie

Jethro Bodine

You know this guy, even if you don't know Jethro right off the top of your head. He is the handsome idiot cousin of the Clampetts on The Beverly Hillbillies. The guy is so stupid that he makes your head hurt, but it balances out because he is so damn pretty.

Yes, I have dated this guy (not Diedrich Bader, unfortunately). It is the first of the two types that attracted to me. I'm a relatively smart girl who has been going to college for more than a decade. (Don't judge me, I get distracted.) I have a great education, and I am a big fan of straight talk. The Jethro Bodines of the world adore women who are smart and blunt, and they will fall over themselves to pursue you. And honestly, what is a bigger turn on than a beautiful man chasing after you?

It's all fun and games until the new wears off. You're happily staring at your hot boyfriend, then you decide to discuss something like foreign policy, the last book you read, sandwich-making, and dingbat there looks at you like you're speaking Mandarin. I shit-you-not that I had one of my most beautiful exes give me a blank look when I used the word "mayonnaise". I told him that it was "mayo", and he asked why I didn't just say that to begin with. *sigh* I suppose I should give you the best Jethro Bodine example of all.

I was out with some of my college friends and one of my old high school classmates who was visiting from Brazil (he was an exchange student) one night. I brought along Jethro because he was a lot of fun. Our conversation came to the topic of "reciprocation". Jethro had absolutely no idea what we were talking about. Not only was the double entendre (sexual innuendo) completely lost on him, but he had no idea what we were talking about on a general level. The words were too big. I had to give a vocabulary lesson with nearly every word we used with more than two syllables. I finally got so frustrated that I found some excuse to go home. Of course, Jethro did not get the hint and stayed out with my friends. What happened the rest of that night, I have NEVER lived down. Hell, I don't even know the full story. Nor do I want to know it.

Peter Pan - Painted by me 10/13/2011

Peter Pan

This is the second and most prevalent group of men that I have ever had the unfortunate pleasure of dating. I cannot even pinpoint why they are even attracted to me. Perhaps it's my sense of humor? (It is probably that my figure looks like it is built for fun.) Trust me, you know the guy. Look at the signs:
  • If he doesn't still live at home, he is always over there. (I am NOT talking about a healthy relationship with his family. I mean he is over there because he does not want to secure/maintain his own residence.)
  • He is unable to form lasting, meaningful relationships, friend or otherwise.
  • He is still hung up on that girl and refuses to attempt to move on.
  • He is over the age of thirty-five, never been married, and has no kids.
  • He can't maintain a job for more than a year, regardless of the reason.
  • He feels better lying to you than saying a hard truth.
If you know a guy that suffers from at least two of those symptoms, he has a case of Peter Pan Syndrome. He is the perpetual little boy that will never grow up.

Don't get me wrong, Peter Pan is fun. This man-child is not going to grow up for a reason. He knows how to party, and he does it well. You are going to smile, laugh, and sweetheart, you are going to fall in love with him. I have never dated a Pan without developing some sort of emotional attachment to him. How can you not fall for the guy that makes you smile and is so much fun to be around? You know what? I'll tell you how. Once you identify him, you can rest assured that he is 1) going to want you to be his eternal playmate AND NOTHING ELSE, or 2) going to make you his mother. (Trust me that #2 is worse - little boys always go through a phase where they hate their mothers. It gets ugly.) I have learned that once you identify the Pan, if you have any sort of responsibilities and can't be the eternal playmate - RUN LIKE HELL! (You will thank me one day.)


Now, I'm not saying that all men in these groups are bad. I mean, I keep dating them. I would not know what to do with myself if I found a man that did not fall into one of those classifications. I hope to find one. Until then, I think I'll be sticking with the Jethros for a while. They may be dumb, but they sure are pretty to look at.

What? I have smart friends with whom I can have those meaningful conversations.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

New Rules

This is going to be a super short post because I'm doing the book blog thing (that you're welcome to go check out), and my brain has been overwhelmed by that lately. And this book thing that I'm doing a terrible job of writing. Plus, I know you guys are sick to damn death of me bitching all the time about whatever superficial problem I have going on in my life. (Rest assured, the Gingerman is gone, and there will be no updates on that. Period.)

Anyways, so the Gingerman shenanigans does not happen again, I am implementing some new rules in my life found on bitches gotta eat that I think are golden. That lady is a little over the top, so I won't be doing everything she talks about on her blog, but she has some good generalizations going on. Anyways, these are the main ones I'm going to use:

Delete shitheads from my phone? Done. And the Facebook is gone, so I can't stalk these guys and cry about not being pretty enough to keep him away from the fat, ugly bitch he was screwing on the side. Besides that, I really like the idea of deleting a guy's phone number if you don't hear from him for three days. Oh yeah, I learned something similar to that one from He's Just Not That Into You (the book, not the crappy movie). If he's not talking to you or calling you, it's because he's not thinking about you. No exceptions. (God, why can't I just get that in my head already?!)

I am the single mom of a five year old. I work for a living. I review books and paint as a hobby. I have a ton of awesome that I can be doing instead of moping over any guy who doesn't give two shits about me. You know what. I'm happy. I'm hanging out with my friends and doing what I love. I'm not spending my time worrying about someone that I don't even like that much. Oh yeah, if I'm stressing over you, I don't like you anymore. Why can't I ever remember that one either?

When I'm single, I remember that I'm an attractive female. Hell, I'm downright sexy. Why the fuck do I stay in a whatevership when I start feeling bad about me? I am a goddess, and you dumb assholes should be worshiping me. This last thing that I was involved in had me so down and low that even my best friend had a hard time putting up with me. This always happens. From now on, as soon as I start questioning myself - feeling crazy, ugly, whatever - you're gone. No questions asked. See ya.

I know that I should have figured all of this out in middle school, but I'm a slow learner. I'm a trusting, loving sort of person, and I assume everyone is the same. Well, kittens, from now on you get the benefit of the doubt for three days. If that. After that, I'm cutting you loose and setting myself free.

(Someone please remind me of this in a month.)