Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Steak Fingers and Snatch

Today was a semi-brutal day in the small town in the southeast of Hell. I was not the fry cook so this is going to be more along the line of Gasoline Wishes. The way this is going to be set up most of the time is by subject.

Gasoline Issues

When I was being trained, I was initially told that we could not set the pumps to where they would cut off at a certain amount that had been paid. That being said, I should probably explain that our pumps would probably count as antiques, or will be in the next few years. I think they are the same pumps that were installed when the store was opened twenty-something years ago. They do not have credit card scanners on them, which is likely due to the fact that credit cards were not around when they were constructed. Either way, we have to start the pumps from the inside. I was told to just authorize the pumps to go and let the people come in and pay, or let people we don't know pay and tell them to stop the pumps. This went well for me for the first week or so.

During what I believe was my second week of work, I had a couple come in about 20 minutes before we closed. They bull-shitted with me for a while before going out to pump their gas. They paid for $20 and I started their pump. When our signal device started beeping, it said that $60 was pumped. I run outside to let the people know that they went over, and the assholes sped away. Thankfully I had two regulars in with me who noticed the make, model and color of the truck, in addition to what I thought. Anyways, I called the police and let them know the situation. Thirty minutes later, after I had already given up on ever seeing that money again, a local sheriff called and let me know that the couple have been caught. He asked me if it was ok for them to come back and pay and not press charges. I just wanted the money so I agreed. Please note that if the gas or lottery is off, our paycheck is docked. I seriously doubt we would get the profit if it went over, but I digress. The couple came back and gave me my money, apologizing profusely. They claimed that they didn't know they were supposed to turn off the pump, but does that give anyone the right to steal. I told them as much. Then the girl had the gall to ask me to sell her a pack of cigarettes. I told the princess that even if the store was still open and I had the register on, I wouldn't sell her shit. That makes a person a bit less trusting of strangers.

I finally was taught how to set up the pumps so they would stop automatically and that seems to irritate a lot of people. I refuse to start the pumps for strangers unless they leave an ID, credit/debit card or a hostage (wife, child, etc). This is especially annoying to the people who have lived in my hometown my entire life that I cannot recognize at a distance due to my being a bit blind. Those people can kiss my ass because their thieving, dishonest ways aren't coming out of MY paycheck.


Now that it is summertime, there are flocks of flies in the store. Its disgusting really. If I was in a place that sold food, I would NOT buy anything for fear of getting something with deep-fried fly in it. Ick. I have learned that they are intellectually superior creatures because they know to hide when we have spray and fly-swatters, but swarm when we are unarmed. Stupid bastards...

Warm Beer

We don't really have warm beer, but some of the guys who work on the local interstate that is being built like to pick on me about it. They say I keep the beer hot for them. Its led to me being asked out on a date by one of the cuter ones (this would be Sexy Pipeline Worker guy, who isn't a pipeline worker after all), so I'll definitely be keeping the beer very warm from now on.

Mountain Dew Boys

There are two or three teenage boys who come in and buy Mountain Dew every day. One of the guys came in today and bought Dr. Pepper instead. I asked him where his Dew was, and he said he didn't drink it, he just bought it for his brother. I was curious as to why he didn't drink M. D. like the other kids, and he informed me that it lowers sperm count. Why in the world would a teenage boy not want a low sperm count?!? I am now on a mission to have Mountain Dew provided by high schools on their lunch menu so teen pregnancy can be reduced. Seriously guys, don't you want a lower sperm count? Sheesh.

Mi Amigos

I've been getting a little bit of practice in Spanish working at the store. There are a lot of Latino guys that are working nearby and I'm the only one with a smattering of understanding of the language. I try not to speak it often, but I'll use what I know to help them find what I need. Aren't I a good person sometimes?


Outside of the store there is a plethora of animals hanging around. There are all manner of snakes in the greenery behind the store and field mice that nest in the used bread holders. Last night was the greatest sighting. I was walking out to the trash holder and a humongous raccoon jumps off of the trash cage and runs into the greenery. As I'm throwing away the trash, the creature is steadily chittering and fussing at me to leave. I tell the little shit to kiss my ass and to go about his business when I get done, because I'm paid for mine. His eyes glinted and he waited. At least it wasn't the snake in the trash box like my cousin encountered. That would've been the end of my trash hauling

Meat Pie Man

Every night we have a man and his two gorgeous sons come into the store and buy up all of the leftover fried goodness out of the warmer. Daddy is a meat pie man. He has taken to calling the store at night to make sure that we have meat pies for him. The other night he asked me if I would dance topless on the bar to make up for not having meat pies. Tonight he tried to hold a conversation with the ladies instead of me because I had a semi-low cut shirt on. I told him that I was either going to put an apron on or he was going to carry his ass if he couldn't talk to my face. He giggled and said that if I really minded, then I wouldn't wear shirts like this. I suppose he had a point, but it was still kinda creepy coming from him.

Steak Fingers and Snatch

Today was a good day for assholes. I came to work in a decent mood and I was feeling great. After I was at work for about an hour, a man came in and wanted some food out of the warmer. He got an order of steak fingers and some white bread. I went to the kitchen and got his food together, and then came out to the register. He was still milling around the store, so I went ahead and waited on some other customers since he didn't step up to the counter. When he finally joined the line and made it to me, he accused me of being a racist because I "waited on the white folks" before I waited on him. Sorry buddy, but there were only white folks before you and they had the common sense enough to stand in line. Don't blame me when you don't know how to queue efficiently. Anyways, I bit my tongue and finished ringing him up. After he paid, he snapped at me to put his food in a bag for him. I was having some bag issues because the inside of it was glued together, so I suppose I wasn't moving quick enough for him. He then snatched his food out of my hand and stormed out of the store. I didn't say anything to him. However, the woman behind me was kind enough to scream at him that he was a rude muthafucker and that she would've decked him. God, I loved that lady for a little while. She said I should start hitting guys like that. I'm sure its very good advice. I'm passive aggressive, I suppose, because I went and told my coworker who was cooking to drop, step on and spit in anything he ever comes back and orders. I know that's illegal, but its sometimes deserved. That man pissed me off so bad, I swear it made me start my period for the first time in 2 1/2 years. It made me hate him that much more. I hope there is a spot by the fire in Hell, just for him. If not, I'll just have to drop him in the fryer the next time he tries to come in.

Summary of My Duties

I think it would be important to first explain what exactly gas station attendants are required to do.

1) We are required to do inventory of everything in the entire store. Gasoline, cigarettes, deep-fried monstrosities, etc. You get the idea.

2) Anything that comes into the kitchen must be frozen and deep-fried except for bread and cow (except for the steak fingers but they haven't been cow in a VERY long time). The bread and the cow are "grilled", which means drenched in butter and browned. Under no circumstances are you ever to eat anything out of the kitchen unless you are willing to gain at least 5 pounds per item for your efforts.

3) Stocking the coolers. This means we try to keep supply and demand at an equilibrium, which is fairly impossible for our beer. Then our local alcoholics complain about hot beer because they snatch it off the cooler shelves faster than it can be put out and cooled off. We have a few men that go into the walk-in coolers and grab their own beer when it has run out up front. I like those men. They're real go-getters and keep my life simple(r). I'm sure if we had kegs, they would pay $15 a pop for doing keg stands to just eliminate the need to take the beer home. Also, people drink nearly as much Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew as beer. Maybe caffeine is a gateway drug that leads to alcohol consumption.

4) Lottery tickets. That should say it all. People who have never sold lottery tickets will never understand the complexities of everything that is involved in it. It'll take a few blogs before you understand.

5) We put up with the meanest, foulest, ill-tempered people who have ever been brought to life on the planet. I am starting to believe that when people get in a bad mood, they decide to go to a gas station and take out their anger on unsuspecting innocents. Sure there are some nice people that come in, but they are only enough to allow us to weather our shift without deep-frying the meanness out of those assholes.

That's a pretty slim generalization of the duties of gas station attendants in the town southeast of Hell. There will be more to come at a later date. As for right now, I have to prepare for my shift.

First Post

I will not blog tonight because I'm still a bit irritable. Blogging will begin on the morrow. Get excited people!