Sunday, March 27, 2011

Surgical Near Shipwreck

As my friends and local stalkers know, I recently had surgery. I found it to be a rather traumatizing experience and it is very important to me that you wade through my whining. Anyway, this is my adventure.

Imagine that my body is a ship. (If you make any fat jokes, I promise I will find a scalpel and cut you, as it is only appropriate considering the subject matter at hand.) Well, there was something going wrong on the ship. O'Liver Jennings and Gerald “Rightsy” Kidney were taken hostage.

The situation deteriorated so much that I had to port at Ninja Island and allow several of their best on board. (Skins McGhee, the “ship’s” head guard, kept the mysterious ruffians onboard from escaping.) Being as they were ninjas, I cannot tell you how many boarded the ship, but I believe there were four or five. There was a severe problem with the side of the ship, so the ninja magician that boarded placed a magical spell that caused a fog to envelop the entire ship. The ninjas were immune so they were able to ferret out the problem. Captain William "Brains" Worthington was occasionally given the antidote for questioning, but eventually was allowed to enjoy the zombie trance under which the other crewmembers were placed.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, two of the cabin boys had been plotting a mutiny. Mind you, these cabin boys did not serve much purpose on the ship. I suppose they were only brought aboard out of pity or they were stowaways who were “put to work”. I am not quite sure what these two little hooligans had as a motive (or even that they were there, frankly), but they were the ones doing some sort of damage to the side of the ship. How they managed that is still beyond me. Thankfully, the ninjas found Frederick "Gall Bladder" Bauer and Alexander Felix aka "Appendix" as the ones behind the near-disaster. They were promptly removed from the ship, as they served no real purpose anyway. (I cannot attest to their fates.) O'Liver Jennings and Rightsy Kidney were only slightly roughed up, but in otherwise good health. The rest of the crew has patched up the ship nicely. The only downside to the whole fiasco was Skins McGhee and Frank "the Muscle" Buchiarelli were sliced up a bit by the ninjas. I suppose that when you are dealing with ninjas, you should expect a few bystanders to be sliced and diced. Thankfully, we all survived and got to stay on board – except for the cabin boys.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Unfortunately (is it indeed unfortunate? Hmm), I am no longer a fry cook. However, once you are a fry cook, you will always be a fry cook at heart. You will never look at minimum-wage workers at a gas station in a town to the southeast of Hell (or anywhere for that matter) again. You never look at life the same. I have a very different (yes, that is the best way to phrase it) way of looking at life.

These are my adventures.