Adventures with: Heartbreak and Valentine's Day

Hello, kids. International Single People Suck Day has descended upon us again. While you are reading this, I am probably hiding in a hole somewhere or wishing that I was. I have always detested this holiday, and I do not see this changing any time soon.

What happened to your resolution to be more positive, Kayla?

Funny that you should ask that. I am going to try to be positive. I am also going to keep it real. Valentine's Day even made me nervous back when I had a significant other. It even holds a special memory for me - in 2006, I got "morning sickness" for the first time during my pregnancy with Bug. I was miserably pukey, and it was beautiful.

All of that aside, this day seriously makes me sad and stabby. So if you see me around, do not approach me. I am going to be telling myself that I am so fucking amazingly awesome that I will not need any sort of distraction or interruption. If I stop, I will fall into the Bog of Eternal Stench a la Labyrinth. I think putting forth the effort is positive. 

To be honest, I am hurting right now. I know it will piss some people off in a major way for me to say it, but I miss the Gingerman a little. We had a six month whatevership, and I enjoyed the hell out of it most of the time. Even when things run their course, walking away is hard. Especially when feelings are involved, and they were on my end. I do not get to date intelligent guys very often. After several years of blank stares from beautiful idiots when I used a word with more than two syllables, I was ready to chain this dude up in my basement until he got enough Stockholm Syndrome to wander around freely. I wish that I was kidding.

Whether you want to admit it or not, when we date another person, it usually ends up looking like this at some point.

It's fun to give away your heart, isn't it? Let's pretend that the recipient is more excited to have it. (Be honest,  you will anyways.)  Sometimes they hand one back to you, though I'm sure it is not nearly as nice. There are other situations where an individual is extremely creeped out that you would hand that writhing mess over so soon. *looks away sheepishly*

We would all like to believe that it is being held fondly and lovingly by our counterpart.

That's a lovely fantasy. The sweetheart loves your gory mass that you have put him/her in charge of. It's probably because s/he has no ears. And an ugly sweater. See? There I go not being positive again.

Basically, what I've learned from this is that not everyone wants to hold your own slime. Yes, your heart is a lovely thing to give someone. No, I do not think that people should never fall in love again because the world is a big ball of suck that likes to shit consistently upon my head. Okay. Maybe I do. A little. But that's not the point. Hell, I got so caught up in the pictures that I'm not even sure that I have a point.

I guess what I am trying to say is be careful about who ends up with your internal organs. Make sure it is something they're interested in having, instead of it hanging out in their back pocket, while they spend the day aromatically mutilating it with their last meal's after-effects. And believe me, they will. Sometimes without even realizing it or meaning to do it. You also want to stay away from those shitheads who may as well be walking around with a scalpel and an ice chest.

I guarantee that you would not want to see the state of my poor passed around chest-meat. But I'll probably go on being just as free with it. I'm sure that I'll thrust it into the horrified hands of the next poor soul who will be locked in my basement trying to escape. I'll be smiling like the silly idiot that my friends think I am the entire time. Again. And again. And again.

But I'll still hate Valentine's Day.

Adventures with: Art

I call it "Duckface with Oven Mitts"

Adventures with: Baggy

I have three cases of baggy going on in my life.

I am still on a weight loss kick. I have not lost a lot of pounds this week, but I am down an inch or two. Every pair of pants that I own - except for my one pair of skinny jeans - is baggy. They are baggy to the extent that if I am not careful, I could get arrested for sagging if I went to Shreveport wearing them. I need to go shopping. My skin is also baggy. Saggy. Chewed bubblegum. Yes, I think it is time that I suck it up and start exercising.

This morning, I have been researching the other baggy all over the internet. Apparently, that Preparation H thing no longer works since the live yeast was removed from the formula. I know - LIVE YEAST! That is shudder worthy. Anyways, I have dark circles and bags under my eyes. Worse than usual. I did a very hard thing yesterday. I spent hours crying about it. I was up all night thinking about it. I have dark under-eyes naturally (sad but true), but this is ridiculous. There is no way, shape, or form that I can pull off my 25 today. I moisturize twice a day, exfoliate as often as my sensitive skin allows, I do not smoke, and I pamper my moneymaker (ha!). Still, brutal emotions will not even allow me to pull off my REAL age.

If this is not a reason to become a heartless, closed-off bitch, I do not know what is. Too bad I made those resolutions yesterday.

*sigh*

Adventures with: My Anniversary on Earth

Yesterday marked one of my anniversaries on Earth. Let's say it was... Hmm... My 25th birthday? Yes, I think 25 is a good age. I had a good run with 22, but I can't really pull it off anymore, short of having surgery. (I don't want to start doing that for another five years, at least.) I think this is a more meaningful time for me to make resolutions of what I am going to do with my life this year. Seriously, what does January 1st mean to me? Before Bug, it was a hangover. Now it's just an extra day off of work. Here are a few goals that I would like to accomplish, and I am going to try pretty fucking hard to get them done.

1. Eradicate the Negative Relationships from My Life

I know this is such a cliche thing, but it is true. I have found myself being unhappy most of the time here lately. Yes, a lot of it is depression (a battle I will probably fight for the rest of my life), but I cannot exacerbate it by being around the wrong people. There is absolutely no reason that I should allow myself to be surrounded by people that do not want the best for me. I have so many great friends that I do not spend nearly enough time with, and I should not waste any more time on people who do not deserve my awesome sauce. I love each and every person that I have in my life. I should be spending more time with the people who love me back. I should also string the assholes up by their toenails, but I think that is illegal in this state. If it is legal in yours, let me know. I will be buying another car soon, and I love to travel.

This is a promise to my friends who have been around for a long time that have been neglected lately. I will make more time for you. Thank you for always being there, even though I am terrible. I know I am the shittiest friend when it comes to making plans and returning texts/calls. I am not promising that I will pick up the phone, but I am promising that I will try harder. If you have been around long enough, you are well aware of how distracted I get. I hope you also know that I love you. And watch you through your windows sometimes. I'll start knocking on the door more often, instead of just lurking in the shadows. Because that's not cool.

2. Finish Writing ONE of My Novels

This is something that has gotten quite ridiculous. If I combined my books and notes into one giant file, I would have a fully written novel. I have three works going on right now, and it is time for me to commit to one. I have been jumping around the three, based on whatever I am feeling at that time. I think taking care of my first goal will make me more consistent in my moods. I love all three WIPs, but the third one is really speaking to me. I am going to finish it before it goes quiet. I would hate to use waterboarding on my own characters to keep them talking. Or maybe I should...

3. Lose Forty More Pounds

I am almost down to the weight I was my senior year of high school. I am not almost down to the size. You know, having a baby kinda readjusts where your junk hangs. I am not complaining. I have a womanly figure now, and my weight is going in my waist. I am not have the straight-down body type any longer (not that it was a bad thing). I am happier with my appearance now than I have ever been in my life. Am I perfect? No. Am I going to be perfect? I hope not. I just want to be healthy and confident in myself. I am almost there now. Just think how good I'll feel when I'm closer to the weight my doctors think I should be? (Sorry, Dr. Doofus, I am NOT going back down to 98 pounds.)

4. Make a New Friend

Yes, I know that I already neglect my old friends. This is more of a goal for me to be more open to talking to strangers. Believe it or not, people terrify me. I hate being in a situation where I am surrounded by strangers that I am expected to speak to. Don't get me wrong, I love being in a crowd as long as I get to just watch (and take notes for my writing). I need to open myself up to forming new relationships and giving people the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is an utter shit. Sure, most are, but I cannot close everyone out because of the assholes. I am a great person to know, and I should be more willing to share myself with the world. (See, I told you about the confidence thing!)

5. Be More Positive

I am a world class bitcher. I am an award-winning worrier. If the Doctor landed the Tardis in front of me, I could come up with a million and one reasons why I should walk away. I would bitch about the Daleks and Weeping Angels. I would be worried that he is only approaching me for terrible reasons. While I am bitching and worrying, I am not seeing that the Doctor (shut up, this is my fantasty, k?) just wants to hang out with this fantastic lady. Yes, the glass is half empty (with a crack in it), but it is also half full. It also has the potential to hold so much more than what it has. Instead of being bothered by what is missing or what I am denied, I am going to push myself to fill the glass up. And break the damn thing! I mean, seriously, isn't it time to let that damn glass go? Now excuse me while I go frolic in that shimmery ray of sunshine. Fuck some sunburn!

Are any of these goals going to be easy for me? Hell no. I am a die-hard pessimist who gets too caught up with everything that is not going right. I am the main person who is telling me that I cannot do something. However, I owe it to myself to be my own Number One Fan. I am going to shake things up and try something new. This is my life, and it is time for me to start enjoying myself. I am going to share the wonderful person that I can be with myself, and the rest of you. So prepare yourself for AWESOME Kayla!