Adventures with: Dieting, Again

I hate dieting. Let me say this again, because I can't say this enough:

I HATE DIETING!!!

Yes, I put on quite a bit of weight during my pregnancy with Bug and it never really came off. I never really tried. Pregnancy was liberating in the fact that I didn't have to worry about what I was eating and I was supposed to gain weight. Best thing ever? Hell no. Pregnancy is miserable. In reparation to myself (for bringing life into the world despite the horrible misery of gestation), I continued to eat what I wanted. I don't heinously overeat. I don't exercise either. When I was thin, I used to joke that it was such an ugly word. Now, I don't speak of it at all.

HOWEVER

I started dieting last year. I actually lost a substantial bit of weight (30+ pounds). I had a shitty year though (my spawn hospitalized, several family members died, reconnected with an ex-fiance) and it all came back. It took the whole year, mind you.

This time, I'm in it to win it. My mom was kind enough to get Mammaw, Bug and I a cruise for our Christmas presents.

The average weight gain on a cruise is eight pounds. I don't want to have to worry about ANYTHING while I'm on that cruise (it's my first), so I'm going to lose a lot of weight now and go apeshit on the buffet. When it comes to dieting, I'm go hard or go home. I eat mostly raw food and I try not to go over a thousand calories a day. It's rough. It's doable for me though. Even if I feel like Depressed Rabbit.

I do feel so much like the depressed rabbit and I've only been dieting for three days. (Cut me some slack, I'm the fat kid.) This is all I see in the horizon until December:

*sigh*

This is what I really want:

I'll be good, though. I don't want Greenpeace throwing me back in the water.

Are they still around, anyway?

Adventures with: Irish Lore -- Fragarach ≠ Fraggle Rock?

I am a terrible person. One of my very favorite authors (and not just because he writes well - he's a fantastic person), Kevin Hearne, uses quite a bit of Irish mythology in his Iron Druid Chronicles. Most of you who read this and know me personally are quite aware of the obsession that I have with anything Irish. I have an unhealthy attraction to men with red hair *swoons*, I allowed a Gael to treat me like shit for years (and would still if he hadn't disappeared), and I enjoy the mythology. Hell, my mom told me bedtime stories about Cú Chulainn when I was little. I promise I'm getting to a point, we're just taking the scenic route. Back to Fraggle Rock, oops, I mean Fragarach - it's a kickass sword. It's called "The Answerer" because a person could not lie if it was held to his/her throat (not that I would want to lie and piss someone off who had a big ass sword). I say its name like a "damned German Proddy", but I am quite aware of the pronunciation. However, the little redneck nerd in me can't help but giggle and say "Fraggle Rock" in my head when I read it in Kevin Hearne's books. I just think it's only fair that something that badass has someone laughing at it. Why not me? I'm socially awkward and I really don't have much else to do.

When I confessed my little sin against all things Atticus to Mr. Hearne (I must be formal because I'm beating a dead horse right now), things went south faster than if I had gone after some Bacchants with a baseball bat like in Hexed. Anyways, I won't explain each picture. They don't need an explanation. Just enjoy.

Kevin, this one is special just for you. I think the Fraggles threw down the gauntlet and danced naked around your sword.  Oops.

I realized belatedly that the links in the text aren't working for whatever reason. Here is where you can buy:

Hounded

Hexed

Hammered

Here is my review of Hounded on my new review blog-in-progress

Moby Dick Beck

IDA, LOUISIANA - Moby Dick “Moby Dos” Beck died in his home after a lengthy existence on Friday, June 10, 2011.

Moby Dos was born sometime in early 2009 and joined the family after being purchased from PetSmart in Bossier City, LA. He joined the family after the tragic death of Moby Dick, Sr. following a freak accident due to the heater.

Moby spent many happy days swimming around his Littlest Pet Shop fish tank by the family computer. He was always surrounded by loved ones who enjoyed watching his happy swims. Even his feline siblings always had a healthy respect for him. His favorite activities included making bubble nests, hiding in the foliage, and flashing his fins for anyone who cared to watch.

Moby Dos was preceded in death by his aunt, Buffy French. He is survived and sorely missed by his mother, Kayla Beck, his sisters Eden Old, Charlotte’s Web Beck and Gidget Beck; brother Skeeter-Waller Beck; great-grandmother Kaye French; and a host of family, friends, and indifferent passer-bys who failed to notice his existence. He will forever be remembered as not just any beta, but as one whale of a fish.

He was returned to the ocean by way of the porcelain god on the day of his death. There will be no memorial services. In lieu of flowers, please send donations in his name to Robinson’s Rescue or the Humane Society of Northwest Louisiana.

Adventures with: Orange Leaf Spoons

Summertime is upon me. Yes, it is like a plague upon me because I don't get days to myself. I am aware that is part of what I signed up for with motherhood and all, but I get perhaps two days a year where I don't have at least one of my three responsibilities: Eden, work, and/or school. My free days mark either the last Wednesday of the childrens' school year or the first Wednesday of the new school year.

Today during my free day, I went to see Thor. I won't say much about it because, let's be honest, there's not much to say. The actor who played Thor was delicious from the neck down and I would gladly bring him home with me, granted that I had a paper bag to stick over his head.

I guess I'm just not a fan of scruffy, blonde facial hair. Wait, no, it worked for the other guy.

Following the movie, we went to Orange Leaf Frozen Yogurt. Oh. My. Bob. If you haven't been there yet, GO! Now! Put down whatever you're doing and get your booties over there. It's very delicious. And the best thing about it is:

The Spoon!

Not only can you eat the yogurt with the spoon, but you can use it for a microphone in the car! And as a drumstick!

When I was singing ABBA in the car and drumming in parts I didn't know WITH MY MAGIC SPOON!!!, some poor guy was being nosy and peeked over into my window.

It wasn't my fault that he drove off the road. Loser.

Adventures with: Dead Sh*t

I have strange pets. Today, we shall focus on my cats. They are very sweet, loving cats. Unless, of course, you are a small woodland or flying creature. Otherwise they are evil demons who will rip you apart, devour your soul, and leave your corpse to rot in the kitchen of a poor former fry cook. I, being the fry cook, do not think they are very sweet, loving cats at all today. I shall explain.

My great-grandmother died last week, and I had to go to her out of state funeral over the weekend. Being as my dog was about to burst with puppies, I boarded her at the vet and left the cats to their own devices. Mind you, I'm not cruel. I left them plenty of food and water. I figure since they don't have much to do with us anyways, they would be fine for a few days.

This is what I came home to yesterday.

Yes, that is blood-spray on the walls. The cats dismembered a lizard or a skink and left it for me to clean up. It was quite unnerving how far the blood sprayed in relevance to the creature. The cats wanted to be loved on last night, so I gave them as much attention as they wanted as I did not want them doing the same to me as I slept.

I loved on the cats again this morning, hoping it would be enough for their liking. I was scared because I knew what they were capable of. Since I was up all night worried about their potentially plotting against me, I thought it would be safe to nap while they were doing their morning prowl.

Skeeter-Waller, the boy cat, woke me up with very proud yowls to bring me to the kitchen to see this:

I am now terrified of the cats.

Fry Cook Haikus

Slap hiss scrape crackle
So cooks the merry burger
Whole wheat bun awaits.

Long slender and white
Enters the popping cauldron
Exits tan and French.

Sweat beads on red face
Flies buzz loudly overhead
Then fall in the food.

Sparkle

I've been having some vascular issues (among other things) since my surgery last month. Being as my medical professional moved to Springhill, I had to find a new doctor. I gave a local doctor a test drive today, and I must say, I'm impressed.

Doctor: "I can't find your pulse."
Me: "I haven't drank any blood today."
Doctor: "But, it's daytime."
Me: "I sparkle."
Doctor: "Team Edward or Team Jacob?"
Me: "Neither, I hate both of the bastards."
Doctor & Me: "Bahahahaha!

I think we're going to work out okay.

Oh, and if you're worried about my vascular issues, I'm having an ultrasound on Monday. My left hand is numb from where the IV blew my vein while it was pumping in contrast for my CT scan during the last hospitalization. I'm also having nerve pain and my hand is significantly cooler than my other.

She also found my pulse.

I'm too mean to sparkle.

I really do hate both of those bastards. Victoria and the Volturi were the only vampires of substance in those books.