Adventures with: Disturbie

I have a new friend. He gives me ideas and gets those creative juices going for me. I think he's going to start hanging out with me. A lot.

Meet Disturbie.

Isn't he precious? Yes, it is a "he". I know because he has a penis. (No, that's his belly button in the picture.) This was my cousin's doll when she was a little girl. I thought he was creepy then, but after twenty years of wear and tear, he's downright revolting. I like him now. *smiles*

Why did I name him "Disturbie"? My aunt saw that I had taken a picture of him and told me that it was disturbing. I thought she said, "It is Disturbie." You know, like "Look! It's Chucky!" Well, that's not what she said, but his name is Disturbie now. I think it's a good name for a twenty-plus years old baby doll, and he's going to be moving in with me. I even have one of Bug's doll beds in my room that he's going to sleep in at night. We're going to make stories, even if they aren't always about him.

Gosh, he's just fantastic!

So, I think I've found my muse, even if he's plastic. With a penis. And missing an eyeball.

Sweet Disturbie, we are going to have adventures!

Don't you just want to kiss and love on him? Come on, don't kid yourself. You know you do.

NaNoWriMo Update #3

Last night I made the official decision that NaNoWriMo was not for me. I love the "seat of your pants" writing requirements, but I have discovered that it is not my writing style. That is not to say that I am not grateful to have experienced it, because "the little girl" has been born. Shall I explain?

I went in to this project knowing my character. I have known her, researched her, and rolled her around in my brain like you do a fine wine in your mouth when you're tasting its excellence. I could feel her in every inch of my soul, and she wanted out. I knew that NaNoWriMo would be the perfect opportunity to put her to paper.

I was wrong.

In trying to make my daily word goal, I was writing just utter shit that was not beneficial to my character's story. She began to transform into an angsty teenager in love with a guy that is a complete dickwad. My character is strong, extraordinary, and so powerful that she has wrapped herself into a shell of self-hatred for what she is capable of. The teenage girl was not my character, and I don't want to write about her. Yet.

Mixed in with that silly teenager, there have been a few scenes that I wrote about "the little girl". That is the only name that she has right now, and maybe the only one she will have. I don't know yet. I only have about 3k words about her (as apposed to the 18k total), but the quality of those are exponentially better than my YA love story. I had my baby horror novel creeping in around the edges, and it's fitting. Shouldn't that be how horror novels are born? Slinking into other works, taking over the words that are not supposed to be there either, devouring them? I believe so.

I want to write for the same reason that I read. I read because I want to escape from the reality that is my own, and live in another world for just a little while - even if it scares me. I would be humiliated if I created something that I did not want anyone else to read, and no one wanted to visit. I want to make a story that will be worth the escape, even if it is for only one person. Even if it is only for me.

My NaNoWriMo project was not that story. It did, however, give birth to the one that is that story. I am going to write it and maybe one day, you'll get to read it. I hope so.

Thank you everyone for the support so far, but now the real writing is going to start, and I'm going to make it good.

Adventures with: Not Yet

One of my favorite things to tell myself is "not yet". I have so many things that I would like to do, but am I ready? "Not yet", I tell myself.

Here is my official promise to myself:

The time has come, Kayla. All of the "not yet"s that you've been giving yourself are no longer of any value. The time to follow your dreams are at hand. You've always dreamed of writing a book - don't wait for NaNoWriMo. Sit down with your notes, your ideas, and your dreams and START WRITING. Take that first step.  You've worked hard on your degree for many years - chase it at a full run. You owe it to yourself to complete your education. You've promised it to yourself, and you don't want to be someone who breaks promises. Paint! You may not be Picasso, but who was he before he picked up a paintbrush? You're seeing an awesome guy - don't hold back in fear of rejection. As the great Robert A. Heinlein put it, "Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win." You might lose, but how can you expect everything if you don't give everything?

All of my dreams may not come true, but I don't want it to be because I didn't think I was big enough to reach them. I need to live my life giving myself fully to all that I do. If I don't succeed, I'll try again. I'll start building ladders if my arms aren't long enough. If a dream evaporates, I'll make a new one in its place to chase. I've realized that none of this is going to just fall into my lap. As Rafiki told Simba in the Lion King:

It is time.