Moby Dick Beck

IDA, LOUISIANA - Moby Dick “Moby Dos” Beck died in his home after a lengthy existence on Friday, June 10, 2011.

Moby Dos was born sometime in early 2009 and joined the family after being purchased from PetSmart in Bossier City, LA. He joined the family after the tragic death of Moby Dick, Sr. following a freak accident due to the heater.

Moby spent many happy days swimming around his Littlest Pet Shop fish tank by the family computer. He was always surrounded by loved ones who enjoyed watching his happy swims. Even his feline siblings always had a healthy respect for him. His favorite activities included making bubble nests, hiding in the foliage, and flashing his fins for anyone who cared to watch.

Moby Dos was preceded in death by his aunt, Buffy French. He is survived and sorely missed by his mother, Kayla Beck, his sisters Eden Old, Charlotte’s Web Beck and Gidget Beck; brother Skeeter-Waller Beck; great-grandmother Kaye French; and a host of family, friends, and indifferent passer-bys who failed to notice his existence. He will forever be remembered as not just any beta, but as one whale of a fish.

He was returned to the ocean by way of the porcelain god on the day of his death. There will be no memorial services. In lieu of flowers, please send donations in his name to Robinson’s Rescue or the Humane Society of Northwest Louisiana.

Adventures with: Orange Leaf Spoons

Summertime is upon me. Yes, it is like a plague upon me because I don't get days to myself. I am aware that is part of what I signed up for with motherhood and all, but I get perhaps two days a year where I don't have at least one of my three responsibilities: Eden, work, and/or school. My free days mark either the last Wednesday of the childrens' school year or the first Wednesday of the new school year.

Today during my free day, I went to see Thor. I won't say much about it because, let's be honest, there's not much to say. The actor who played Thor was delicious from the neck down and I would gladly bring him home with me, granted that I had a paper bag to stick over his head.

I guess I'm just not a fan of scruffy, blonde facial hair. Wait, no, it worked for the other guy.

Following the movie, we went to Orange Leaf Frozen Yogurt. Oh. My. Bob. If you haven't been there yet, GO! Now! Put down whatever you're doing and get your booties over there. It's very delicious. And the best thing about it is:

The Spoon!

Not only can you eat the yogurt with the spoon, but you can use it for a microphone in the car! And as a drumstick!

When I was singing ABBA in the car and drumming in parts I didn't know WITH MY MAGIC SPOON!!!, some poor guy was being nosy and peeked over into my window.

It wasn't my fault that he drove off the road. Loser.

Adventures with: Dead Sh*t

I have strange pets. Today, we shall focus on my cats. They are very sweet, loving cats. Unless, of course, you are a small woodland or flying creature. Otherwise they are evil demons who will rip you apart, devour your soul, and leave your corpse to rot in the kitchen of a poor former fry cook. I, being the fry cook, do not think they are very sweet, loving cats at all today. I shall explain.

My great-grandmother died last week, and I had to go to her out of state funeral over the weekend. Being as my dog was about to burst with puppies, I boarded her at the vet and left the cats to their own devices. Mind you, I'm not cruel. I left them plenty of food and water. I figure since they don't have much to do with us anyways, they would be fine for a few days.

This is what I came home to yesterday.

Yes, that is blood-spray on the walls. The cats dismembered a lizard or a skink and left it for me to clean up. It was quite unnerving how far the blood sprayed in relevance to the creature. The cats wanted to be loved on last night, so I gave them as much attention as they wanted as I did not want them doing the same to me as I slept.

I loved on the cats again this morning, hoping it would be enough for their liking. I was scared because I knew what they were capable of. Since I was up all night worried about their potentially plotting against me, I thought it would be safe to nap while they were doing their morning prowl.

Skeeter-Waller, the boy cat, woke me up with very proud yowls to bring me to the kitchen to see this:

I am now terrified of the cats.

Fry Cook Haikus

Slap hiss scrape crackle
So cooks the merry burger
Whole wheat bun awaits.

Long slender and white
Enters the popping cauldron
Exits tan and French.

Sweat beads on red face
Flies buzz loudly overhead
Then fall in the food.

Sparkle

I've been having some vascular issues (among other things) since my surgery last month. Being as my medical professional moved to Springhill, I had to find a new doctor. I gave a local doctor a test drive today, and I must say, I'm impressed.

Doctor: "I can't find your pulse."
Me: "I haven't drank any blood today."
Doctor: "But, it's daytime."
Me: "I sparkle."
Doctor: "Team Edward or Team Jacob?"
Me: "Neither, I hate both of the bastards."
Doctor & Me: "Bahahahaha!

I think we're going to work out okay.

Oh, and if you're worried about my vascular issues, I'm having an ultrasound on Monday. My left hand is numb from where the IV blew my vein while it was pumping in contrast for my CT scan during the last hospitalization. I'm also having nerve pain and my hand is significantly cooler than my other.

She also found my pulse.

I'm too mean to sparkle.

I really do hate both of those bastards. Victoria and the Volturi were the only vampires of substance in those books.

Surgical Near Shipwreck

As my friends and local stalkers know, I recently had surgery. I found it to be a rather traumatizing experience and it is very important to me that you wade through my whining. Anyway, this is my adventure.

Imagine that my body is a ship. (If you make any fat jokes, I promise I will find a scalpel and cut you, as it is only appropriate considering the subject matter at hand.) Well, there was something going wrong on the ship. O'Liver Jennings and Gerald “Rightsy” Kidney were taken hostage.

The situation deteriorated so much that I had to port at Ninja Island and allow several of their best on board. (Skins McGhee, the “ship’s” head guard, kept the mysterious ruffians onboard from escaping.) Being as they were ninjas, I cannot tell you how many boarded the ship, but I believe there were four or five. There was a severe problem with the side of the ship, so the ninja magician that boarded placed a magical spell that caused a fog to envelop the entire ship. The ninjas were immune so they were able to ferret out the problem. Captain William "Brains" Worthington was occasionally given the antidote for questioning, but eventually was allowed to enjoy the zombie trance under which the other crewmembers were placed.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, two of the cabin boys had been plotting a mutiny. Mind you, these cabin boys did not serve much purpose on the ship. I suppose they were only brought aboard out of pity or they were stowaways who were “put to work”. I am not quite sure what these two little hooligans had as a motive (or even that they were there, frankly), but they were the ones doing some sort of damage to the side of the ship. How they managed that is still beyond me. Thankfully, the ninjas found Frederick "Gall Bladder" Bauer and Alexander Felix aka "Appendix" as the ones behind the near-disaster. They were promptly removed from the ship, as they served no real purpose anyway. (I cannot attest to their fates.) O'Liver Jennings and Rightsy Kidney were only slightly roughed up, but in otherwise good health. The rest of the crew has patched up the ship nicely. The only downside to the whole fiasco was Skins McGhee and Frank "the Muscle" Buchiarelli were sliced up a bit by the ninjas. I suppose that when you are dealing with ninjas, you should expect a few bystanders to be sliced and diced. Thankfully, we all survived and got to stay on board – except for the cabin boys.

Reintroduction

Unfortunately (is it indeed unfortunate? Hmm), I am no longer a fry cook. However, once you are a fry cook, you will always be a fry cook at heart. You will never look at minimum-wage workers at a gas station in a town to the southeast of Hell (or anywhere for that matter) again. You never look at life the same. I have a very different (yes, that is the best way to phrase it) way of looking at life.

These are my adventures.